The pictures represent what our hopes and dreams of children would be, our little tank of Guppy's and the crazy, mad, wonderful world of adventure that awaited us as we began our family.
A lifetime of mischief...mayhem...milestones...
But as life does sometimes - it brings you lessons you never wanted to learn.
It is the wise person, the wise father in this case, who has the choice to find the purpose in them where none can be found, or be defeated by them.
I know my own thoughts as a mother; but as I have watched Todd all these years as a father - seen his prayers - watched his tears - was amazed at his strength - I wondered if even in all that I could fathom what it truly felt like to be a father of two such opposite boys...
One who fearlessly ran toward the world at high speed...
One who lives in such need of protection from that very world...
How thankful I have been for Todd's strong arms of protection as time and time again he attempted to shield his son from the world that confused him, tried to hurt him, was painful for him, or that he simply did not want to be a part of as much as we have tried to include him in.
Where Brandon preferred to be the moon with its black & white serenity and simplicity....
... Matthew was our sun.
That bright, shining star that brought such vivid color and complexity to our home.
Todd has been the warrior dressed in Camo in support of one son who wanted to join the Navy and conquer the seas...
While at the same time sterilized in scrubs as he waited time and time again to take his other son in the procedure room for a simple dental exam.
It's hard to put into words what it must feel like for a Dad to be able to go on a vacation of a lifetime with one son; knowing the other son is home, unable to go to the places he longs to take him.
A Father bears the weight of the world for their child - and some fathers like Todd must bear the greater weight of that very child on their shoulders.
One son can never even know that he has a father, and the other son who does know he has a father, will never be able to fathom the length, depth, breadth, and width of that love...
Todd spent many hundreds of dollars to sit on a wall for a week and watch as one son went through hell. Knowing he couldn't help him through it, he still wanted to be as close as he could to will him through it.
While one son only had to conquer one week of hell, Todd has taken countless trips through hell in sitting beside his son though yet another meltdown, yet another doctor visit, yet another sleepless night, yet another attempt to help him be able to simply navigate the world around him.
Countless more dollars spent than prayers answered...
Yet in that he has learned what typical fathers never will: the true humility and humbleness of living well, laughing often, and loving much. Living simply and being thankful & grateful for God's provision that provides for his family. Of being able to understand what being the hands and feet of Jesus means to another person.
Countless more dollars spent than prayers answered...
Yet in that he has learned what typical fathers never will: the true humility and humbleness of living well, laughing often, and loving much. Living simply and being thankful & grateful for God's provision that provides for his family. Of being able to understand what being the hands and feet of Jesus means to another person.
Through it all Todd has been the father the father is no doubt so very proud of.
Todd has seen the highest of highs and the lowest of lows with his sons.
The many good times with Matthew ---
The rare times with Brandon that are even more precious because they are so very few and far between...
Those times where he gets a glimpse of his son and not his autism.
Those times where he gets a glimpse of his son and not his autism.
So many adventures where Todd has been able to teach Matthew survival skills in the outdoors to shape him into the man he is today and the father he one day in the future be.
Such bittersweet moments of anguish, care taking, and trying to teach basic life skills to his other son who was denied the ability to be on his own with his own family - and who will instead require a lifetime of care in our home.
I long to be able to put into words all that this day means to Todd.
How he has flown to such heights with one son while being grounded by the other. Such extremes of fatherhood...
Yet as I've watched him all those years I've seen how it has shaped him and hardened him. Not in the world's harshness, but as a believer who builds his faith, his convictions, his prayers, on a rock that cannot be moved.
He has been shaken, greatly.
But he has never fallen.
He will never quit.
And I think that is the greatest legacy he will leave the son who can understand it, and especially the son who never will.
Where as a father Todd has such pride in one son and his career of honor, courage, and commitment ---
He has even more pride in the other son who taught him what those words truly mean.
~ ~ ~
While it may have been this son who made Todd a Father...
It was this son who has shown Todd who God the Father is...
His Grace, Mercy, Unconditional Love, Faithfulness -
...and sense of humor.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
It's hard to quantify what "Life with Autism, Seizures, and a side of PANDAS" has stolen from a family...
One can only put it in the perspective that on today, Father's Day, it has stolen the very essence of a boy to even understand that he has a dad. And with that has stolen all the typical milestones and memories there are for a father/son to have...
But in their place, bittersweet memories and moments that only a father of a son like Brandon can understand. Those times when you truly know what it is to love a son unconditionally.
Perhaps more than what was stolen from Todd as Brandon's father, the true theft has been what was stolen from Brandon...
The chance to one day be a Dad.
~ ~ ~
Two fins way up to you Todd - for the being the best bad-ass Bone Frog to our two Guppy's whose worlds are as opposite as can be...
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