On being forged into a warrior mom
If I could summarize our journey from Hell to HOPEISM, it would be in my faith, which I call HOPEISM. It has been my weapon of choice to get me through each battle I have had to fight in my mission to win our war called life with autism and seizures. Vaccine injury to be more specific. It would also be in committing to heart, soul, & mind the words and motto's from Forged, NDCQ, the Lone Survivor, and Levi Lusko in his book, "Through the Eyes of a Lion." I will be forever grateful to the inspiration, encouragement, and mental fortitude found through all of them collectively. Because of that, I am not allowing this tragedy of vaccine injury that has come into our lives to be an obstacle to being used by God. I am instead turning it into an opportunity to be used like never before!
This blog is dedicated to Brandon. His life has been forged by difficulty, obstacles, & all too often because of seizures - pain, blood, broken teeth, & broken bones. Yet through all that he has shown such fortitude. The bravery, strength, & resilience of a true warrior. He taught me that having strength through adversity means that even if you lose every battle, like the Lone Survivor, you never quit fighting until you win the war. That in the words of "NDCQ," you keep "dreaming," keep "daring," & keep "doing." As Team Guppy has yet to be able to escape vaccine injury, we have no choice but to as Levi Lusko writes, "Run toward the Roar." God has indeed given us such incredible power in enduring such impossible pain.
Some days the HOPEISM in that simply takes my breath away.
December 9, 2016
So today an e-mail from Amazon came across my inbox. It was an e-mail asking me to rate a recent purchase I made... I was about to delete it, as thinking about why I ordered this particular gift for someone brought on negative vibes that I have been trying to put in the past... But as I was about to hit "delete" I could hear that marvelously michevious grinchy-grinch humor rumbling from that sweet spot of sarcasm that often saves my sanity.
So I rated the item. My reply too long to share there, so I shall share it here....
I gave it five stars.
I ordered this particular item in response to a twenty-something year old who in all his wisdom of those twenty-something sheltered years, thought he was justified in sending me an e-mail outlining how "no one likes me" and "nice power move" in response to me challenging a family member on blatant lies spoken against me. Mind you the e-mail he was replying to was not addressed to him, but the master manipulative party it was addressed to, saw fit to send it to everyone for the purpose of getting people to "no one likes me".
I choose to polish the mental toughness I must have to survive vaccine injury and all the horrific seizures that come with that, -- by humor.
I was going to buy this "gift" for that particular person who I would have thought knew better than to do that to us, Todd and I, who have done nothing but love and support him... Who we have included in family gatherings as if he were our own son. Who we have shared our precious time with Matt with so that all could be with him --when all we wanted was to have our son all to ourselves. So much for thinking of others. What is that saying? "No good deed goes unpunished?" But I digress.... What an "power move" that was in loving and including someone who would turn on us for a baseless reason, a reason not his own, but of what others shared with him about us.
His words "nice power move" stuck in my head and made me think of Power Rangers. So I went to Amazon in search of a "Power Ranger" to send to him for Christmas as a reminder of me and my many "power moves". To give him one final "Power Move" because after all, if I'm going to be accused of these "power moves" then I might as well do one to deserve the accusation! I even had a great caption for the gift tag, "Because I'm all about those Power Moves." Yellow isn't really my color, but sometimes you have to go with what you've got, and it was either yellow or pink, and I do not do pink. Shudder.
But, I'm not going to send it to him.
I think the realization one day of what he's done will be enough. And even if he never realizes that and continues to ignore us for no reason, that is on him. Not us. This "Power Ranger" sitting on my desk has been great therapy in teaching me that. Not a bad lesson for $18 and free prime two-day shipping.
Instead my "power move" will be to pray for him.
Pray that he never has to understand what it is to truly be ignored. In having a son who was maimed by vaccines and who has been ignored by society, by doctors, by our government. For us to have lived that for so very many isolated years - to have had so many needs ignored by insurance, by state services, for some by their very church - and then to have someone "ignore" us further?
It's hard to even be mad at someone who is that shallow.
I think the best test of your sanity is when you can look at an insane situation and laugh. Truly realize it's not you, it's them. When you can look at a situation and know that it's not about who is right or wrong, it is about what is best for you and your sanity. And for us, and our sanity, it is best for us to move on believing in what Maya Angelou says, "When people show you who they really are, believe them."
But believe them...
It took a long time and many repeated hurts and manipulations to believe that in those who are supposed to be closest to us. I believe we are better than that and that we have so many around us who love us and believe in us and who would be there for us through calm or conflict. Those are the people who we choose to invest in.
I watched a movie recently that had a very profound line in it. "You know you are over being hurt when you have an opportunity for revenge and do not take it."
This Power Ranger figurine was my opportunity for revenge. I had it all wrapped and ready to mail...
But I didn't.
It sits on my desk as a reminder of my true "power moves" that he nor those who have manipulated him against us will ever be able to fathom.
The power moves of forgiveness. Of truth. Of understanding conflict and how to deal with it and work through it. Of loyalty. Of love. Of what a true family is and how a real family should treat each other. I don't say it often enough, but it is my husband and his parents who have taught me that. There has been conflict but there has always been love and working through it.
Especially as a warrior mom, the power moves of enduring the unendurable. Of having no choice but to bear the unbearable. Oh how I wish I could quit on my son like they have quit on us! But because my son cannot quit his autism and the life it forces him to live, we cannot and will not ever quit on him. There are way too many out there who do not comprehend that in any way, shape, or form and that is the greatest tragedy of all. To not truly know what unselfish love is. To not truly understand what it means to not quit, but to stay, stand firm, and fight for what you love, for what you believe in. It is so easy to quit and walk away and that is what he has done. It is he who that "power move" will bite in the ass one day down the line. Team Guppy has learned the hard way that life is measured by how you act and what you do during the not-so-easy times. When those around us have long since gone, here we will remain, marching on.
Our "power moves" are measured by the words HOPEISM, Not Dead Can't Quit, Be Brave, and Never Quit!
Our power moves are in how we pursue truth and have pursued a relationship despite all the roadblocks.
But I've come to realize that our greatest power move is in moving on.
In not letting that which we can't control, --influence us, consume us, change us, or define us.
In not continuing to expose ourselves to the bullets that continue to pierce.
So yes, Amazon review folks, I give this "Power Ranger" 5 stars and 2 Guppy fins way up.
I would highly recommend it to anyone who needs healing in the face of false persecution.
It will sit on my desk as a reminder to make each day a positive power move in being thankful for those in your life who love you so much they would pursue you from hell to HOPEISM and back again!
July 5, 2016
The crazy, mad, wonderful world of being a warrior mom... That should be the title of the book so many tell me I must write about our "Life with Autism, Seizures, and a side of Chaos..." There have been many titles I've thought of using over the years. I think my favorite is still "There's Poop Floating in my Tub: and other Oddities of Life with Autism." We certainly have experienced enough of those oddities to fill an entire book series. But I digress --
March 1, 2016
I want to share with all of you a portion of our Team Guppy Christmas Letter (below) that we sent out this past year. Each year I try to find a way to sum up what we've learned through that year -- and this picture I saw this morning while scrolling through Facebook made me think of that again, in light of what Todd and I are going through in his unemployment.
I finally quit spontaneously crying at the enormity of it, but each morning when I wake up I must again face our reality and the vulnerability in that, and for a few moments just panic. I'm a control freak. I like my chaos controlled! And this chaos is so totally out of my control! Just when I think I can't get any further from my comfort zone, God redraws the boundaries and shows me I must.
Which is why I was drawn to this picture when I saw it.
In a way, (a very small way), I am thankful for these "evils" I have been forced to face because of how they have changed me. I have had to confront life with autism, seizures, the trauma those things have brought upon our son; ---and now, a side of unemployment. Through the course of our journey I have had to learn what true hardship is, and most importantly, what it's not. But slowly, begrudgingly, albeit at times kicking and screaming in protest, -- we got through it. Beaten, bruised, and scarred at times, but always we get through with a little help, prayers, encouragement, and now support from our warrior friends. The battle is both enlightening and empowering. It's odd to see it that way, but it's true. If we were to have gone through nothing of what we have been made to go through, we would be the very people we see, perhaps know, that we definitely don't want to be. That is the thankful part in all of this...in what we have learned, how we have grown. Our whole attitude changed in exactly what this picture says --- knowing we are confronting what most people refuse to acknowledge. The lies, corruption, and evil that brought us to this battlefield. Running toward the roar of our situation and not shying away from it. Staying the course when everything in us screams to turn back and quit.
I sit here humbled by it all. By the strength, courage, and determination of this warrior community we are a part of.
(With that said, I would very much like a season of boredom please.)
Through the Eyes of a Lion...
What has inspired us this year were truths found in that book by Levi Lusko...
It speaks of how we live with our heart set on heaven but our feet still here on earth, and how we must learn to navigate that space between promise and fulfillment. Jesus died on Friday, he rose on Sunday, in between is Saturday. Saturday --- where each of us must reside. The book is about how to keep going during those Saturdays where it seems that our "greatest endurance sport is disappointment."
We've certainly run that marathon this year.
Each day for us is an indescribable challenge. We must bear burdens few could ever fathom, the reality of that often taking our breath away. But as he points out in the book, "God always grants incredible power to those called to face impossible pain." and "Suffering isn't an obstacle to being used by God. It's an opportunity to be used like never before." I do believe that. I love his description of hope, which I call HOPEISM: "HOPEISM is a joyful anticipation. When you have hope, gale-force winds can blow and tsunami waves can smash into the hull of your life, but you are buoyed by the belief that the best is yet to come, that brighter days are ahead. HOPEISM quietly tells your heart that all is not lost, even as storms rage." He encourages us to "Run toward the Roar" meaning that most when they hear a lion roar they will run away. He encourages us to run toward that which is challenging - run toward our fear -- run toward our faith -- and NEVER QUIT. Turn your mess into a message. Your pain into a platform. Your trial into your testimony. The trash that has come into your life into triumph.
Together Todd & I savor each good moment and hang onto HOPEISM through the not so good ones.
We dream, dare, & do.
We do not quit, we overcome.
We run toward the Roar!