On being forged into a warrior mom

If I could summarize our journey from Hell to HOPEISM, it would be in my faith, which I call HOPEISM. It has been my weapon of choice to get me through each battle I have had to fight in my mission to win our war called life with autism and seizures. Vaccine injury to be more specific. It would also be in committing to heart, soul, & mind the words and motto's from Forged, NDCQ, the Lone Survivor, and Levi Lusko in his book, "Through the Eyes of a Lion." I will be forever grateful to the inspiration, encouragement, and mental fortitude found through all of them collectively. Because of that, I am not allowing this tragedy of vaccine injury that has come into our lives to be an obstacle to being used by God. I am instead turning it into an opportunity to be used like never before!

This blog is dedicated to Brandon. His life has been forged by difficulty, obstacles, & all too often because of seizures - pain, blood, broken teeth, & broken bones. Yet through all that he has shown such fortitude. The bravery, strength, & resilience of a true warrior. He taught me that having strength through adversity means that even if you lose every battle, like the Lone Survivor, you never quit fighting until you win the war. That in the words of "NDCQ," you keep "dreaming," keep "daring," & keep "doing." As Team Guppy has yet to be able to escape vaccine injury, we have no choice but to as Levi Lusko writes, "Run toward the Roar." God has indeed given us such incredible power in enduring such impossible pain.

Some days the HOPEISM in that simply takes my breath away.

April 6, 2018

Is my Suffering Showing?

Thank you to Timothy Welsh for making this image for me...
It is bittersweet seeing all the #saidnomother images.

Let alone the 7,000 names written in blood, sweat, and tears on the VAXXED bus that symbolize lives lost or forever altered by adverse vaccine reactions.

The sadness of all such awareness campaigns is too profound to put in words.

And then to add insult to injury upon injury, we have April.  National Autism Awareness Month.  Which for those of us who have seen the truth happen before our very eyes, should rather be named, "National Vaccine Injury Denial Month" where the book "Denial" by Dan Olmsted and Mark Blaxill is required reading.
I guess with the epidemic numbers of those affected by 'autism' growing exponentially every reporting year - those who even came up with such a month for society to be made aware of such a disorder - had to quickly back-peddle where instead of seeking to understand why - we now have an entire month to "light up" and "celebrate" the "new normal" that is here to stay.

Which is why most like me go into hiding this month.

It's hard to decide which is more unbearable -- living this "Life with Autism, Seizures, and a side of PANDAS" caused by vaccine injury -- or enduring a month that "lights up" and "celebrates" the chronic, painful, life-altering-for-all-involved disorder as if it were no big thing.

Each April in between blocking and hiding those who make a mockery of what children, and now young adults like my son must daily endure, - I try to pick one thing to share about that is real about what this month should be representing. 

That is something no family celebrates.

And that is the suffering.

I have blogs where I have shared about my son's journey - the good, the bad, and the very very ugly.

You can be educated about true autism and and how I survive it with true HOPEISM through any of my blogs:

Life with Autism in Pictures

From hell to HOPEISM

Where HOPEISM Blooms

God's Word Day by Day

But it was something a family member said to me that I want to share about for this month's awareness message...

And I don't share this to berate that person - but because so many others I come in contact with daily have had the exact same sentiment said to them either directly or indirectly.

It was something to the effect of, "So you want others to see how you suffer...".  I can't remember the exact words because as soon as I read them my warrior mom mode went from Proverbs 31 to Madea in .5 seconds.

As I do when faced with any adversity or accusation -- I did stop to ponder their words...

Perhaps that is the greatest dilemma in what this month is supposed to represent.

Do we take a disorder termed "autism" and truly show the horrors of it that would be beyond anyone's worse nightmare?  Or do we instead highlight the few and far between victories that give us brief glimmers of light from such horrific, epidemic tragedy?

Sadly, society has chosen the donuts with sprinkles.  Because everyone loves donuts, and sprinkles are all sparkly and pretty.

No one wants to hear the inconvenient truth of what this month should actually be representing -- which is wandering deaths, vaccine injury deaths, destruction of health, destruction of divorce, the severed artery that bleeds out financial destruction long after retirement, the no choices, no options, no treatments no respite.  The abandonment of family, friends, relatives.  The silence of the church, the apathy of society.  The absolute nothing of actual value being done to stop the exponential rate of more "autism" in terms of facing the reality of what is causing that exponential growth rate of autism.

My husband and I should be planning our retirement travels.  Yet sadly there will be no retirement nor any golden years to travel and enjoy our empty nest.

What there will be is constant care giving of our adult son with "autism".

There isn't even dying in peace to look forward to, no one I know can ever die because there is no one to take over the care of their loved one with autism.

But to say that, to type it, well, I've had Adult Protective Services called on me twice now for sharing the raw truth of what this life is like. 

People simply cannot handle the truth, let alone your truth.

If you share it, you must be endangering or exploiting the child-now-adult that you've sacrificed your whole life for in caring for to the best of your ability.  People allowed to anonymously judge you for actions they've never seen.  Just from what they've read.

Gawd-forbid people actually be allowed to know the truth that while we love our children/adults fiercely and do our absolute best in caring for and protecting them, helping them; what has happened to them should never have been allowed to happen and because it did - they, and us as parents/caregivers, suffer greatly because of it.

This month should be one that not only acknowledges the epidemic that is autism, but the suffering of the multitude that goes hand in hand with that.

Yes, there are inspirations and achievements and victories, and things within that suffering that we can, and do, celebrate in our children.

But make no mistake, it is the suffering that this month must be about for anything to change.

If not, then why do we have a Vietnam Memorial Wall?

Are all those names on that wall celebrations of those who survived the war?


It is a wall to reflect on the 58,220 who did not survive the war.
Dare I say, the 58,220 who.suffered.greatly.
We can erect a National Monument to reflect that, but dare we as parents even but whisper about the sufferings of the 1 in 36 who have true autism via vaccine injury.

As of this writing, there are 7,000 names of those individuals or children/teens/adults who have a vaccine injury or who died from vaccines on the VAXXED bus, which is our memorial wall.

Those individuals who could sign their own name, didn't do that to celebrate what happened to them.  The parents who signed their names for those who couldn't, certainly did not do that to highlight to the world how great their life is in living with vaccine injury!

The moms whose children are but ashes in an urn or coffin didn't sign their dead infant's name in celebration that they took one for the herd!


Each of those 7,000 names that represent but a fraction of the carnage caused by vaccine injury/autism - is a symbol of their suffering.
As inconvenient and politically incorrect and as ungraceful as that truth is, it is still the truth.

It seems that it is ok for any other issue to highlight suffering so that society is moved to action to help stop that suffering....

As long as it's not autism.

No, we as a society choose to celebrate that devastating diagnosis of autism and anyone who dares portray the truth, well, they just need some prozac to help deal with their extreme negativity.

Cue the Miranda Lambert lyrics, "It don't matter how you feel, it only matters how you look..."
And it seems we do like our autism awareness to be beautiful.

At all costs, we must hide our broken hearts lest someone actually see it bleed.

I have known what it's like to suffer in silence, and that is why I love to be a sponge for other warrior moms on this journey.  I am not a talker, I am a listener.  If I must be confined to my four walls along with my son who cannot tolerate the outside world - at least I feel I can do something -  listen to and help encourage others in this journey from hell to HOPEISM.

And the stories I hear, the heartache shared, the devastation, destruction, isolation, abandonment -- is literally heartbreaking.

Parents who are shunned by their own families.  Ignored as if they don't exist.  The horrific reality of not knowing what to do, who to turn to for help.  The absolute despair in having a child who needs infinite funding from finite funds.

For the vast majority, it is fellow warriors on this journey who are the support system, not their family.

Certainly not society.

In most cases, not even the church in their own back yard.

I've often wondered why that is.  Perhaps we have been wrong in shielding those around us from our reality.  We've had to be so strong and so positive to survive that if for once we become vulnerable and share how it really is, we are deemed weak or negative.

Or in need of therapy.

If I had one wish for this month, it would be for everyone to go to Joshua Coleman's Facebook page to view the #saidnomother album.

#SaidNoMother Campaign

It would be for everyone to go to the VAXXED bus on The Autism Trust property and trace their finger over the name of someone with autism...

But I warn you, in answer to the title of this blog, "Is my Suffering Showing?"


Yes, the suffering of an entire generation of children whose health was stolen by adverse vaccine reactions and the parents who must forever care for them -- is most definitely showing.

And rightly so.

The suffering that goes on behind those photos is unimaginable and unbearable and to make a mockery of that by celebrating or lighting up anything blue this month is reprehensible.

But yes, the other thing that shows behind the #saidnomother photos, behind the 7,000 names on the VAXXED bus, -- is survival.

We do survive only because we must, we have no choice.

And maybe, just maybe one day when the media is brave enough to allow society to see the true enormity of the epidemic of autism - the true suffering of the real individuals with autism and their families living their very real life with autism - something worthwhile might have a chance to actually shine for each of us this month...


The HOPEISM that the acknowledgement of their suffering would bring.

That direct tangible help to them and their families would bring.

That appropriate day programs would bring.

That safe, appropriate, and affordable housing alternatives would bring.

That regular respite or short term reprieves for caregivers to actually take a weekend off or a vacation would bring.

That treatments and supplements actually covered by insurance would bring.

That financial help for items and services our children and adults need would bring.

That the public governmental acknowledgement of what caused this epidemic would finally bring.


Oh I'm sorry, is my suffering showing again?

Yes, it is.

But for those who are brave enough to walk alongside us and see what our life is truly like and help us instead of judging us when we share about the suffering, you might just learn how our #NDCQ shows just a little bit more.