On being forged into a warrior mom

If I could summarize our journey from Hell to HOPEISM, it would be in my faith, which I call HOPEISM. It has been my weapon of choice to get me through each battle I have had to fight in my mission to win our war called life with autism and seizures. Vaccine injury to be more specific. It would also be in committing to heart, soul, & mind the words and motto's from Forged, NDCQ, the Lone Survivor, and Levi Lusko in his book, "Through the Eyes of a Lion." I will be forever grateful to the inspiration, encouragement, and mental fortitude found through all of them collectively. Because of that, I am not allowing this tragedy of vaccine injury that has come into our lives to be an obstacle to being used by God. I am instead turning it into an opportunity to be used like never before!


This blog is dedicated to Brandon. His life has been forged by difficulty, obstacles, & all too often because of seizures - pain, blood, broken teeth, & broken bones. Yet through all that he has shown such fortitude. The bravery, strength, & resilience of a true warrior. He taught me that having strength through adversity means that even if you lose every battle, like the Lone Survivor, you never quit fighting until you win the war. That in the words of "NDCQ," you keep "dreaming," keep "daring," & keep "doing." As Team Guppy has yet to be able to escape vaccine injury, we have no choice but to as Levi Lusko writes, "Run toward the Roar." God has indeed given us such incredible power in enduring such impossible pain.

Some days the HOPEISM in that simply takes my breath away.

May 25, 2022

An autism "All I Can Handle" Mother's Day confession...

 


Mother's Day in Missouri with my Mom.....

My "Life with Autism, Seizures, & a side of PANDAS" doesn't leave much room for a Mother's Day "celebration" of sorts. In fact, Mother's Day is a day where I just want to be away from all that reminds me of what has been taken from me as a Mother - when it comes to vaccine injury and the milestones it has stolen in my son.

My almost 30 year-old son does not understand that I'm his Mother. He lives at home, yet we've never had a conversation. I've never heard his speaking voice. I've never received a card from him, a gift, a breakfast in bed for Mother's Day. I've never even heard the words "I Love You, Mom" from him.

Over the last few years, when at all possible, I have instead spent Mother's Day weekend away from reminders of such loss. It's simply become too painful to see the man that stands before me so vastly different than the dreams and hopes I had for the son who stole my heart when he was born. I love him fiercely, - both of him. The who he is now and the who he could have been if only. It's so bittersweet....the gifts he has given me in my life, in forging me, my Faith, have come at the expense of his life, his ability to even know there is a God. It's so hard to reconcile the reality of that. The priceless gifts of character, strength, resilience, faith, unconditional love, knowing what truly matters in life, who truly matters - weighed against such suffering he must endure - for so long.

It's a cruelty like no other -- to know how my spiritual gain comes at the expense of his eartly loss.

Mother's Day has become an occasion too hard to look in the eye, too impossible to be a part of.

I want the cards, the calls from him, the flowers he delivers. I wanted the handwritten messy nonsense scribbles of a little boy. The crumpled flower pulled from my garden. The burned pancakes and spilled orange juice.... The adult humor of both my boys posing together for a Mother's Day picture and ending up much like the viral video of brothers posing for a picture on Mother's Day... I wanted the "I love you mommy!" I want the "I love you Mom!"

I wanted those worldly things that are fleeting and shallow and mean nothing in comparison to all the eternal lessons I have learned through his silence, his suffering.

Few will truly get that.

Many will be offended by it.

But it is truth no less.

Many experience loss - few must live with it daily for the rest of their life. Look it in the eye. Watch it suffer and being helpless to truly help. I would rather have my son live a short life fully - than a long life devoid of all the milestones that make that life worth living. The same with my marriage, with anything. To have the absolute priceless gift of having all of someone, even for such a short time, is far better than having someone before you for a lifetime who is not able to fully live. It's an emotional rollercoaster for me -- Mother's Day and all the commercialism that it portrays. It is a stark contrast of how we can celebrate that day as a family - in essence, that we can't. So I don't. I simply use that weekend to be with my Mother - and when possible - my Mother-in-Law too...as they both live within 30 minutes of each other in Missouri. I go to spend that time with my mom - as I know she longs for that as much as I long for the things I can't have with my son. We share a love of gardening - she endures my selfies - and for this trip - we had the hilarity of her bringing a plastic snow-shovel for us to go to the creek to scoop rocks for her landscaping. Oh my... I laughed so hard. Obviously we ended up picking up the rocks with our hands to fill the buckets... What is that term, "Bringing a knife to a gun fight?" LOL..... Anyway ---- What my mom lacked in shovel knowledge - she made up for in being a water volleyball beast at the YMCA with her fellow water aerobics peeps. #MomsGotMoves #BeastMode ~~~
364 days of the year I will be Brandon's mother, caregiver, advocate, -- and all that goes with that. But on Mother's Day ---
"All I can handle" is to simply be a daughter. Thank you Mom, & Mary Ann, --- for a Mother's Day weekend that was memorable...
























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