It's days like today where the only person I want to see is Mary.
Even more than all my fellow warriors in this "Life with Autism, Seizures, & a side of PANDAS" - she would be the only one who could truly relate to the sadness I feel.
I mean, just that statement alone is a sucker punch to my soul.
Today is Brandon's 25th Birthday.
I should have woken up giddy with excitement at the celebration of a milestone year Birthday! He is 25 years old! A quarter of a century of his life lived! I should be smiling as I reflect on all he's accomplished. I should be smiling with him (or rolling my eyes at him) as he shares his goals and adventures for his next quarter century as he blows out the candles of his gluten & casein filled Birthday cake!
And in all honesty, I do have the excitement HOPEISM brings.... that his next quarter century will bring help, hope, healing. I do know how far he's come from those early days of darkness, diarrhea, head-banging, and self-inflicted solitary confinement of preferring to be alone in his room.
But instead I woke up to the sound of him banging the over-sized rocking chair in his room against the wall.
I woke up to him being soaking wet and freezing.
His vaccine injury cared not that it was his Birthday.
And so while every other day of the year I relate to Jesus through faith, through HOPEISM, through HIS PROMISES of grace and mercy and love --- today --- today I relate to Mary. The mother who had to watch helplessly as her son went through things unimaginable.
As I sit here drinking my coffee, I seek an espresso shot of her kind of faith. The faith that bravely says to "be unto me as you have said..." All I want is for it all to go away! I seek her unwavering trust in knowing the journey will be for a higher purpose that she was told, whether fully comprehended or not. At least she knew.... I don't know the purpose. And the only words I can whisper at this moment are why..... Why, Lord?
I suppose my faith assures me there is a purpose and a reason.
But my flesh simply cannot understand what that might be, or why.
And so I sit here wishing I could ask Mary how she did it.
Through two very different scenario's that I dare not compare, I would love to ask her through my tears how she endured watching her tortured, beaten, & bloody son stagger down the path to his crucifixion on a cross. I would love the validation that she perhaps hated that, as much as I hate how my son has been tortured by vaccine injury. As much as I hate picking up my beaten & bloody son up off the floor after a seizure caused him to fall so forcefully he either lost teeth or needed staples.
I would love to know if she perhaps had slight, momentary cracks in her faith armor where she wished instead that she was watching her son walk down the aisle to the alter to take his fiance's hand in marriage - instead of having to watch him stagger down the road carrying his own cross that he would be crucified on.
I know with all that is in me how much my Birthday wish for him would be to watch Brandon walk down the aisle to his bride.... or with open arms welcome his newborn son in his arms....
Knowing he will never experience either.
Every day of every year, we warrior mothers must be supernatural.
We must be brave, strong, and steadfast.
We must never allow ourselves to worry.
We must never, ever, have even but a moment of weakness.
We must be in all sense of the word, immortal...
As no mere human could endure what we must, for as long as we must.
For this one day I would like the comfort of Mary's hug as she understands those emotions. As she perhaps herself fell to her knees and just wept at the injustice.
As she was but for a moment as I am in this moment...
But alas that coffee-talk with Mary cannot be, and as I allow the crack in my armor to remain but for a moment, I must simply do as Mary chose to do...
Humbly accept what is.
As I use these tears to make cement to patch that crack in my armor, I vow to continue to face my giant.
"Life with Autism, Seizures, & a side of PANDAS."
YOU SUCK TODAY.
(you suck every day, but you especially suck on Brandon's Birthday!)
And as I shout that to the universe, as I face my giant, I win for no other reason than simply being brave enough to face this day...and every day for as long as I must.
Still smiling (albeit through tears).
Still too stubborn to ever let satan win.
Still somewhat sane!
~ ~ ~
Acceptance is not submission; it is acknowledgment of the facts of a situation. Then deciding what you're going to do about it.
-- Kathleen Casey Theisen
I have decided long ago what I will do about vaccine injury...
And what my Birthday gift to Brandon shall always be...
I'm going to NDCQ.
I'm going to HOPEISM.
I'm going to continue to speak truth about what happened to my son.
I'm going to continue to advocate and support for change so vaccine injury never happens to anyone else.
And I'm going to continue to pray that one day Brandon's dry bones will come alive...
That the dry bones of the vast army of children who have been injured by vaccines come alive!
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
This picture reminds me of a quote I read once....
When life hasn't been easy, when we have regrets, when we've been through hell, --- it's ok at times to look back - to learn from those mistakes - to see how far we've come from those difficult times - but to above all --- just not stare. Not look back long enough to let those things define us, consume us.
I agree with that.
This morning for a few brief moments, I have allowed myself to look back. To see all that has been, all we have been through.
But I can't help but stare.
Stare at this remarkable, indomitable, bravest of warriors.
This crazy, mad, wonderful creation of God who I love with all my heart, all my soul, and all my mind.
The hand of the Lord was on me, and he brought me out by the Spirit of the Lord and set me in the middle of a valley; it was full of bones. He led me back and forth among them, and I saw a great many bones on the floor of the valley, bones that were very dry. He asked me, “Son of man, can these bones live?”