On being forged into a warrior mom
If I could summarize our journey from Hell to HOPEISM, it would be in my faith, which I call HOPEISM. It has been my weapon of choice to get me through each battle I have had to fight in my mission to win our war called life with autism and seizures. Vaccine injury to be more specific. It would also be in committing to heart, soul, & mind the words and motto's from Forged, NDCQ, the Lone Survivor, and Levi Lusko in his book, "Through the Eyes of a Lion." I will be forever grateful to the inspiration, encouragement, and mental fortitude found through all of them collectively. Because of that, I am not allowing this tragedy of vaccine injury that has come into our lives to be an obstacle to being used by God. I am instead turning it into an opportunity to be used like never before!
This blog is dedicated to Brandon. His life has been forged by difficulty, obstacles, & all too often because of seizures - pain, blood, broken teeth, & broken bones. Yet through all that he has shown such fortitude. The bravery, strength, & resilience of a true warrior. He taught me that having strength through adversity means that even if you lose every battle, like the Lone Survivor, you never quit fighting until you win the war. That in the words of "NDCQ," you keep "dreaming," keep "daring," & keep "doing." As Team Guppy has yet to be able to escape vaccine injury, we have no choice but to as Levi Lusko writes, "Run toward the Roar." God has indeed given us such incredible power in enduring such impossible pain.
Some days the HOPEISM in that simply takes my breath away.
December 29, 2009
Letter to satan...
By Michelle M. Guppy - 2002
I feel as if a battle is going on - with you trying to weave your way into our lives to bring pain and illness.
I must admit, you WILL stoop to any level, the lower the better.
You know you can’t win by hitting my husband and I directly - so you choose to go through that which is most precious to us - our innocent child who already is burdened with a disability, autism.
To have him now develop seizures as well, and to cause us to question or abandon our belief in God and how He could allow this to happen....
You are attempting to use our precious son to harden our hearts and turn our light, into the darkness where you reside.
I recommend you stop.
Save yourself the hassle.
We will not let you win.
You have recently caused us to bend, and break, ---that is true. But not in the way you sought to.
You have bent us to our knees - in prayer. In perhaps the most powerful prayers we have ever prayed. Each one of us: my husband as he bent over his son during his first Grand Mal Seizure a few weeks ago. Breaking the barrier of pride, --he laid his hands over his son’s trembling body - calling out to God in tears, like never before. My other son, making his prayers at night for his little brother more mature, heartfelt, and genuine, than I have ever heard before.
And me - perhaps you have bent me the most - and I am thankful for that. For if it weren’t for my son’s recent seizures - I would not have the sense of God’s Peace and Provision that I now have. I would not have finally given up on what I could do for him, and instead turn to God completely for what HE could do for him and through him…..
Before all this - I would play a tug of war game with God.
Letting God have control of some things, and me keeping control of other things.
I’m sure you were rooting for me to win; knowing that was your best chance of victory.
You know you can't defeat God, but you could possibly defeat me.
I am thankful, that I finally just gave up and let go of the rope.
Giving God all the control, not me. And most certainly, not you. By letting go of the rope, I chose to trust God completely to catch me when I fall; and to pick my son back up after he has fallen. Giving up control in that way is not defeat. It is victory, because I gave the control and power to someone far greater than I. Someone far stronger than even you. So don’t think you won because I surrendered. I did win, because I have surrendered to God; in knowing that God’s wisdom and strength and timing is greater than mine.
Because we have bent so deeply in prayer - any barriers that have previously stood in our way of a pure and worshipful relationship with God - have been truly broken. Through our brokenness - we have come to truly believe that God is our Healer. Through the brokenness in our son’s bone during one of many seizures, we have learned the blessing of brokenness in the physical body; - in that broken bones heal to be stronger than before.
And so too, with our Spirit. Each time the meanness, ugliness, and pain of this world breaks our Spirit, God’s healing and redemptive spirit is there to give us a faith stronger than ever before.
I am thankful for that.
You have caused many tears.
Tears of pain and hurt - but again - even in that, you have not won. For after the rain - there is a rainbow. The reminder of God’s promise to His people, of renewal and restoration. Each time I weep - it releases the flood of pain and hurt that the world can bring. But then after the tears, I feel new Hope, and the Promise of a New Day Dawning.
Before this recent battle started, you did actually start to create a spirit of ungratefulness in us.
But even that cannot be credited as a victory for you.
Because now, since my son’s seizure disorder along with his other disabilities, we appreciate those little miracles and blessings like never before. Things we took for granted, we do not anymore. Each smile… Each sound of laughter…. Each new skill…. Each new day… We now cherish them all….
You may still be thinking you are winning in that we have no answers as to why these seizures are happening to our precious child, or when or if they will end.
But still, you are wrong.
Perhaps God simply wants us to know that Jesus is the answer.
The only answer we need to know.
Not in that He has brought this pain and suffering to our child - but that through this pain and suffering - we come to see God’s pure and perfect purpose – and draw closer to Him in the process.
You may have hoped to create doubt - in that God somehow broke his promise and is not there with us - and continues to let our son be hurt. Wrong again. Jesus did not promise life would always be easy. But He did promise that He would see us through each and every trial. He promised that through our suffering He will draw us close and hold us near.
Our son's blood that was shed as a result of some of the seizures that caused him to fall, is like the blood Jesus shed on the cross.
My son’s blood served to reinforce in me the covenant promise that Jesus will never leave or forsake us.
And He hasn’t.
Jesus has carried us through, and continues to carry us through, by the hugs, phone calls, prayers, and support of others.
You may have started to create disillusionment in me by these ongoing trials of late as I wondered just how much more pain my son, or me as his mother, would have to endure…
But even then, your plan failed. Jesus’ journey to the cross was full of pain and suffering, yes. A journey so full of pain it is beyond comprehension. It was hard for Mary, his mother, to watch him go through that. But I believe that as she did then, I now, cling to the hope and eternal peace that the journey symbolized.
Perhaps you thought you would pull the ultimate straw - in causing something to break in my son that could not be stitched back together or healed stronger than before it was broken -- in causing him to fall so hard during a seizure that he would shatter his permanent teeth.
I'm sure you pride yourself in knowing that very thing was our greatest fear --- it was what we prayed hardest for to not happen.
Such a trivial thing we know – but for us, our son’s smile was brighter than the stars….
When he smiled – the world stopped - and his disabilities were gone – and he was just our little boy.
Our little boy with the beautiful smile.
We prayed that at least his smile, those sparkling white teeth, would be spared from the injuries the seizures bring……
That he would have just that one part of his body – his smile - not affected.....
But God proved once again that he is bigger than any obstacle we may face, deeper than any pit we think we have fallen in, and more powerful than the greatest fear we have. Even if the most horrible thing we think can happen – happens – God is still there. We now believe that.
We have surrendered our son to God.
There is nothing more you can ever do to try and change that.
He is God’s – and you will never have him, and so you will never win.
Even on the day I found my son in the back yard, eyes fixed, body unresponsive, not breathing, and thought he had died during yet another seizure --- I was at peace.
At peace with the knowledge that my son’s name was forever written in the Lamb’s Book of Life, and not in your book of death……
And so during that time of panic and confusion and trying to revive my son – I knew that even in death, the victory would not be yours --- because for a child of God ---- death is not the end. It is merely a stepping stone on the path to eternity. It is the fulfillment of God’s purpose for us to reign in heaven with Him.
But, God said no, it’s not his time yet --
You have failed again.
4/8/02 by Michelle M. Guppy