On being forged into a warrior mom
If I could summarize our journey from Hell to HOPEISM, it would be in my faith, which I call HOPEISM. It has been my weapon of choice to get me through each battle I have had to fight in my mission to win our war called life with autism and seizures. Vaccine injury to be more specific. It would also be in committing to heart, soul, & mind the words and motto's from Forged, NDCQ, the Lone Survivor, and Levi Lusko in his book, "Through the Eyes of a Lion." I will be forever grateful to the inspiration, encouragement, and mental fortitude found through all of them collectively. Because of that, I am not allowing this tragedy of vaccine injury that has come into our lives to be an obstacle to being used by God. I am instead turning it into an opportunity to be used like never before!
This blog is dedicated to Brandon. His life has been forged by difficulty, obstacles, & all too often because of seizures - pain, blood, broken teeth, & broken bones. Yet through all that he has shown such fortitude. The bravery, strength, & resilience of a true warrior. He taught me that having strength through adversity means that even if you lose every battle, like the Lone Survivor, you never quit fighting until you win the war. That in the words of "NDCQ," you keep "dreaming," keep "daring," & keep "doing." As Team Guppy has yet to be able to escape vaccine injury, we have no choice but to as Levi Lusko writes, "Run toward the Roar." God has indeed given us such incredible power in enduring such impossible pain.
Some days the HOPEISM in that simply takes my breath away.
August 22, 2011
On Bingo Cages, Lotto Balls, & the God we sometimes wish was a Genie.
I read stories like Kobe Bryant who get off charges scott-free, and despite immoral behavior, still get to enjoy millions of dollars and a lucrative career. Stories like his are a dime a dozen, if worth that. Politicians who lie yet get re-elected. Criminals who kill, get off on technicalities, never at least repent, get away with it and go on with their life. All the while innocent, good people, who make one mistake, are forever penalized because of it.
It makes me angry.
It makes me think sometimes that the cosmic justice system is nothing but a bingo cage filled with lotto balls. Everyone rolling around in there while some little old lady with blue hair turns the handle. All of us. The sinners, the saints, the innocent, the guilty, the rich, the poor, the deserving, the undeserving, the believers, and the unbelievers. We're just all in there rolling around hoping it's us who rolls out once the cage stops turning.
Life seems so unfair like that at times.
When good people make a bad mistake and forever after have dreams crushed. When faithful people pray for healing yet never see that in this lifetime. When you do the right thing and your fate rests in the hands of others while you must wait, sitting there as the white lotto ball in that cage hoping when it stops, you roll out with a decision in your favor.
You really find what your faith is made of during those times.
Among all the uncertainties, you have to know the one thing that is certain. That God is not a genie in a bottle that you can rub in an emergency, and your faith can be many things, but it cannot be fickle. That your faith in God is not a sprint where you can go strong and then stop when you are tired or that particular race is over. No... you learn that God is a Sovereign God and that having faith must be like training for a life-long marathon or its not faith in God you have, it's a momentary fad that will fade when the current trend does.
I have to remind myself of that often, especially when challenging times hit us like a brick wall knocking our breath away. That after we have done what we could and trusted God to do what we can't -- are we contemplating the odds of us being the lotto ball in the bingo cage overcoming the odds, or are we trusting fully, faithfully, in God? Do we know in our hearts that it's not the odds we want in our favor, but God's Grace and Mercy in our favor? Will we still believe and remain steadfast in our faith in God if when the handle stops turning, the cage stops spinning, and we aren't the ball that is chosen? When it's not our prayer that was answered in the way we wanted?
When we realize we screwed up and do the instinctive "rub the bottle hoping the genie comes out to grant our wish" - and he doesn't?
Waiting is hard.
Trusting is hard.
Wondering if your faith is worthy, is hard.
I'm glad God knows that about me. That I have these thoughts. That I wonder if I'm worthy of him answering my prayer. That I'm scared to death about whether his answer will be the one we need. The one we want. The heartbreak we will have if it's not. I'm glad he knows that I am furiously saying those prayers, making those promises to pray more, read more, do more - furiously rubbing that bottle, -- if he would just....
And above all I know he knows that I am sometimes the father in Mark 9:23 who brought his son to him and said, "If you can do anything, take pity on us and help us." And I know God's reply is "If you can? Everything is possible for him who believes." Where I exclaim with everything in me, "I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!"
That's where I find myself. In knowing God can, and in praying he will. And wondering what will happen if he won't. Playing all the odds in my head. All the alternative scenario's of what to do if our ball isn't chosen.
But that's not faith. Not the kind I want to have at least.
The faith I want to have is found in the woman of Luke 8:44. Seeking out Jesus in a pressing crowd, making her way to him no matter how inappropriate it was of her to do that in her condition, but doing it anyway because she knew the power of Jesus and she knew if she could but touch him, she would be healed. Her faith was not based on odds, but on Jesus being the omnipotent.
Her faith that did not for once consider what if he couldn't or won't, but knew with all her heart only that he would.
That's what gives me hope.
That despite my flesh, God knows my heart. Our family's heart. He knows we're the father mentioned above. He knows we're the woman mentioned above. He knows we play the odds in our head and in our feeble desperation wish he were a genie. He knows we know he can, and he knows we worry about if he won't. He knows we've cried out to him and wept in each others arms.
He knows we know that we are unworthy, but that he is worthy. And that because of that, we have great worth in his eyes and he will only prosper us, never harm us.
That we are running to him in prayer with faith that he has the power to answer that prayer.
We believe that Lord.
I believe that Lord.
~ ~ ~
And when I wonder what to do while waiting, while running the race of faith, I find that answer in a country song of course...
In God smiling and saying to me, "Raise your hands, bow your head, find more and more truth in the words written in red... Know that there's much more to your life than just what you can see... That there is so much more than this... Oh my child.... Just believe...."
I do Lord...