On being forged into a warrior mom

If I could summarize our journey from Hell to HOPEISM, it would be in my faith, which I call HOPEISM. It has been my weapon of choice to get me through each battle I have had to fight in my mission to win our war called life with autism and seizures. Vaccine injury to be more specific. It would also be in committing to heart, soul, & mind the words and motto's from Forged, NDCQ, the Lone Survivor, and Levi Lusko in his book, "Through the Eyes of a Lion." I will be forever grateful to the inspiration, encouragement, and mental fortitude found through all of them collectively. Because of that, I am not allowing this tragedy of vaccine injury that has come into our lives to be an obstacle to being used by God. I am instead turning it into an opportunity to be used like never before!

This blog is dedicated to Brandon. His life has been forged by difficulty, obstacles, & all too often because of seizures - pain, blood, broken teeth, & broken bones. Yet through all that he has shown such fortitude. The bravery, strength, & resilience of a true warrior. He taught me that having strength through adversity means that even if you lose every battle, like the Lone Survivor, you never quit fighting until you win the war. That in the words of "NDCQ," you keep "dreaming," keep "daring," & keep "doing." As Team Guppy has yet to be able to escape vaccine injury, we have no choice but to as Levi Lusko writes, "Run toward the Roar." God has indeed given us such incredible power in enduring such impossible pain.

Some days the HOPEISM in that simply takes my breath away.

October 14, 2010

When band-aids can't fix boo-boo's.

Last night after Brandon had two seizures, Matt from his room upstairs texted me while I was downstairs in my room with Brandon.

He simply asked:

"Mom whats wrong with him ?"

That's exactly how he typed it.

It broke my heart.

And as I laid there beside a raspy-breathing Brandon, I wondered what to text back to my sweet son who was supposed to be sleeping, not worrying about his brother's seizures.

This son who in Elementary School, started off one day with the ambulance getting to our house right before the bus did because his brother broke his collar bone during a seizure.

This son who in Middle School called the ambulance for us while Todd was giving CPR to a not-breathing Brandon after we found him unconscious & blue in the back yard from a seizure.

This son who while in class in High School, I had to call to come help me get his brother out of the van and into the house because he had a seizure on the way to me driving him to school and I couldn't get him out  once I got back home.

Never once during those times did he verbalize what he must have been thinking then too.

But tonight, he asked the question that I could not answer.

Oh how much easier it was when Matt was little and could only ask questions I knew the answers to!

Oh how much easier it was when Matt was little and the boo-boo's not too big for band-aids!

When a scraped knee could be made better with a kiss.

When broken toys could be glued back together.

When someone was bullying him and all it took to solve that was a phone-call.

I remember when stitches fixed his cut skin, surgery fixed his severed thumb, and a cast fixed his broken bone.

And I remember a time not a few years after that, when there wasn't such a procedure to fix his first broken heart.

All I could do then was hold him and hug him.

And then the present, last night, and the text message.

"Mom whats wrong with him ?"

I laid there and thought about how Mom's & Dad's are indeed, supposed to be able to fix anything.

We are supposed to know all the answers to all the "why's" our children ask us.

But I guess there comes a point when we have to answer the "why's" with the "who's".

I don't know why you have a broken heart; but I know the One who will always love you unconditionally and who will never leave you or forsake you.

I don't know why bad things happen to good people; but I know the One who has a plan for you and who will prosper you and never, ever, hurt you.

I don't know why there are no answers for your brothers seizures; but I know the One who because of His very sovereignty, is the only answer we need to accept and have faith in for now.

I won't know the answers to the "why's" you will no doubt ask in the future; but I know the One who created you.  Who knit you together in your mother's womb, who has searched you and who knows you and your thoughts as well as all the days ordained for you before even one of them came to be.

And I know that because of  that, we don't have to always know the answer to what is wrong.

We just have to remain steadfast in knowing that one day all those wrongs will be made right.


PBMom said...

Thank you for sharing the journey and your wisdom along the way.

Alicia said...

Beautiful post Michelle. I know that we are nearing this day with my children too. Thank you for your wisdom and honesty.

from a fellow autism mom and sister in Christ.