On being forged into a warrior mom

If I could summarize our journey from Hell to HOPEISM, it would be in my faith, which I call HOPEISM. It has been my weapon of choice to get me through each battle I have had to fight in my mission to win our war called life with autism and seizures. Vaccine injury to be more specific. It would also be in committing to heart, soul, & mind the words and motto's from Forged, NDCQ, the Lone Survivor, and Levi Lusko in his book, "Through the Eyes of a Lion." I will be forever grateful to the inspiration, encouragement, and mental fortitude found through all of them collectively. Because of that, I am not allowing this tragedy of vaccine injury that has come into our lives to be an obstacle to being used by God. I am instead turning it into an opportunity to be used like never before!

This blog is dedicated to Brandon. His life has been forged by difficulty, obstacles, & all too often because of seizures - pain, blood, broken teeth, & broken bones. Yet through all that he has shown such fortitude. The bravery, strength, & resilience of a true warrior. He taught me that having strength through adversity means that even if you lose every battle, like the Lone Survivor, you never quit fighting until you win the war. That in the words of "NDCQ," you keep "dreaming," keep "daring," & keep "doing." As Team Guppy has yet to be able to escape vaccine injury, we have no choice but to as Levi Lusko writes, "Run toward the Roar." God has indeed given us such incredible power in enduring such impossible pain.

Some days the HOPEISM in that simply takes my breath away.

October 6, 2010

On finding your much-ness

I love the movie "Alice in Wonderland".

Because of Johnny Depp, yes of course.  But more for Alice.

I've watched the movie four times now, each time so drawn to Alice in how she so emanates the things I struggle with in my own life.

I've never been one for the world's "stockings", "corsets", or "proper behaviors".

I've never been one to conform for the sake of conformity.

I've always believed in a God I couldn't see, that even though He wasn't in the flesh He could & does indeed talk, and that His word could make me grow taller spiritually.

But the most poignant thing in that movie to me, is where the Mad Hatter was talking to Alice about how she had lost her much-ness.

How she used to be much muchier.

I've found myself there, where it seems that in another world there was a picture of me slaying the jabberwocky.

Where I've become more the Mad Hatter slowly going mad frozen in time just waiting for it to thaw out and begin again. 

For the past Alice - to once again be the present Alice.

For the much-ness, to once again be much.

Oh how I hate it when I've let the world do that to me.  When I've let its doubts, detours, deception, & demons devour me!

I believe for me, my much-ness is God.

My belief that in my inconsistency, in my confusion, in my flawed thinking sometimes; that there is a God who is consistent, clear, and perfect.

That there is a God who can with His word that is sharper than a double-edged sword, slay any jabberwocky the world has to offer!

When I'm in the word and believing that, I better understand my much-ness in Christ.

When I'm further awed by the humbleness of that, I can realize even more how much more muchier my much-ness is!

I see that much-ness in so many of you in the autism/disability community, and it inspires me.

So many Christian counselors on the radio talk about how to make your marriage stronger by having regular date nights.  What if you never get that chance? 

So many Pastors on TV talk about how if you are good enough, give enough, or are faithful enough, you will have all that you desire.  What if you are good, do give, and have the faith of a mustard seed, but still struggle?

I've read in books about the importance of communication in marriages.  What if the circumstances absolutely do not allow that?  What if life with a child with autism is a noise that cannot be turned down like a radio or turned off like a TV for that quiet time to talk?

I've heard in sermons the need to simplify. What if your life is complicated by circumstances so beyond your control, that doing that is desirable, yet not doable?

Recently I've watched a video testimony of a Pastor who wrote a Bible study I'm currently studying, share about how his, and others', faithful prayers have miraclously healed their child.  What if your prayers are just as faithful and fervent, but you don't have that testimony?

I've let all those scenarios in my own life and more, cause me to lose my much-ness.

Where I've found my much-ness again, is in realizing the pure joy in knowing that God is still God even if my circumstances don't change.

My much-ness comes from the sheer grit & determination to keep my marriage a good marriage, despite many months at a time of not having a date night.

Our much-ness in marriage comes from my husband and I laughing hysterically that the most meaningful conversation we have most weeks, is arguing.

Our much-ness comes from knowing that because of our circumstances, we do live as simple a life as possible!  When you can't go out or go do period, that's pretty much as simple as it gets!

Our much-ness comes from knowing that as much as we'd like to, we will not be able to slow down until we slide into heaven; bruised, stained, spent, half bonkers, and if we're lucky, - not mentally broken!

Our much-ness comes from knowing that even though we've prayed a million prayers for a miracle that hasn't happened, that it doesn't mean we haven't experienced a million of them we haven't been praying for.

I think that's why so many people get depressed.

They allow those things to steal their much-ness.

The world bombards them with the success stories.  That if they believe this, dress like that, do this, achieve that -- that they can have everything.

That's the Red Queen.  Lying, cheating, deceiving to gain power.  You cannot have it all.  You shouldn't even want it all, unless that all is God.

We need more White Queen's.  People who patiently stand firm in the truth.

We need more Mad Hatter's telling more Alice's to just buck-up and realize or reclaim their much-ness!

We need more people's testimony being that yes I've done everything I know to do.  I've tried everything I can reasonably try.  I've prayed all the prayers I can pray.  Yet my son still has autism.  Still has seizures. And my God is still my God who can and does perform miracles.

He's still the God who can slay any jabberwocky, anytime.

That's how I've found my much-ness.


(Thank you Mad Hatter for telling this Alice through scripture, to believe in the much-ness of  prayer that can slay any jabberwocky we are faced with....and that even if we can't slay it, we will be given the strength to keep fighting it.....)

Written by Michelle M. Guppy

1 comment:

mama4x said...

I am so impressed by your skill with words! I have lost my muchness, I fear... I have become fatigued with the dry day to day struggle and lost my chasing-after-God. The quiet inaction of a depressed and unemployed (in that order) husband who can't provide is almost a kind of crazy that makes me long for the relational equivalent of seizures... moments when I know that I only need God and to hold on to him. In the ongoing, never ending "stability" of my situation I have stopped crying out, the storm stopped and the waters are merely rough, not the typhoon that you know how badly you need Him to save you. Does that make any sense?!